REALLY? Why is it so difficult to understand?

I CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! Dear Lord, please please, please I beg you give me strength. MY FAMILY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!! This may be a venting post so if that bothers you please leave now. Ok so as I have posted before my baby sister is pregnant. She is now 32 weeks and Baby Vance will be here soon. I am so hurt but so excited for her. I have to admit I am very bitter… this is my first time talking about this so please don’t judge me. My husband and I have tried to conceive for over 4 years, no luck, just heartbreak. After almost a year of not being pregnant my sister went to the doctor to find out her husbands sperm count was 6. She tried clomid and femera both with IUIs and no luck. They just gave up. Right after that they found out he had sleep apnea and he was put on a breathing machine, and she was pregnant a month later. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. For 4 years I have avoided all my friends while they were pregnant, their showers, everything. That makes me a bad friend, I guess. I just cant bare it. For my sister I spent months planning for her shower, everything was handmade, it was perfect down to the last detail. The day before I spent over 300.00 on food along and spent the whole day cooking. Then Sunday morning rolled around and she didnt feel well so she didn’t even go. TO HER OWN SHOWER! Honey you would have had to tie me down and sit on me, probably knock me out to keep me from my shower. So I sucked it up and made her husband open the gifts and went on with the day. I have done her entire nursery, all her registeries, bought bottles EVERYTHING! I feel like she thinks she is having a baby doll. I don’t know maybe my bitterness has taken over. I just remember the day I got married she busted her bridesmaid dress on purpose. She said it wasn’t fair that I was getting married first because she had been with her boyfriend longer. Come on really? She was still in school. A part of me thinks that she just had to have the first grandchild and that hurts me. In her mind her life will not change, the baby will sleep when she does. She has bought nothing but clothes for him and Johnson and Johnson baby care stuff… because it smells like a baby LOL!

Now my mother who has MS and is having a mental meltdown is driving me nuts over the whole thing. She is upset bc I didn’t open my sisters gifts at her shower, since she was sick. She says she can’t be happy for my sister bc of me. I have gone beyong for my sister and future nefew. I have not mentioned my feeling or expressed my thoughts at all until the other day. My sister wants me in the delivery room with her. I AGREED despite my feelings. My mom is a very nervouse, stressed out, drama queen and my sisters husband will be passed out. Mom was talking to me about it and I made the comment that once my sister delivered and was ok I may step out while they are bonding. I mean come on, I can’t watch births on TV without breaking down. It is her moment with her baby, I want them to cherish it. BIG MISTAKE!!!! My mom has called me crying and screaming about it for weeks now. I am ruining my sisters time! Really? HOW? I have done her shower, nursery, registeries. I have gone shopping with her, done research on different things for her, IDK what else I can do. I know as my mother her heart breaks for me… I know that. I have never once not been excited for my sister or ask for anyone pitty or sympathy. I am a strong woman. I have made it thru 4 years on being infertile, I guess mom has just now opened her eyes and recognized it and is now smoothering me.Its all I hear everyday. She asks me everyday when I am going to ovulate, if I am trying, when my period is comeing…. its become crazy. Then she adds to it that she has MS and I need to hurry and do what I need to do to have a baby because she may not be around to see it or be able to touch it. REALLY? Like I don’t put enough pressure on myself. How many more doctors do I need to see? How many more tests? Drugs? What more do I have to do?

I have had a horrible time with it all lately. I deal with it by not saying anything and taking A LOT of deep breaths. The truth is I am angry, and hurt, and lost and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. This weekend my husband had a little to much to drink and got angry which was unusual. I tried talking to him and he yelled at me and pushed me away from him. He then started crying because he couldnt give me a baby! It is not him he has NO ISSUES, but deep down I guess he feels it is. My husband is a bad boy tattoed ranger in the Army and does not show emotion ever. He said his wife wanted a child more than anything in this world and it killed him not to be able to give it to me because I never ask for anything else. I take care of everyone and do everything I can to help anyone in need. I can’t help everyone but I can help some and pray that one day they will help someone else. My husband began made the statement that there was no God because if there was he really hated us. I have to be honast ans say that got to me. I became angry and began to wonder. Is there a God? If there is what have I done so bad? I try to raise money for people in need, feel the guy at the grocery store in the wheel chair, buy presents for kids, help any friend or any one that I can do something. I then for the past week have thought about every bad thing I have ever done, any person I may have hurt, lies I told.. even changing report card grades in school. And then thought maybe there isn’t a God! How could I have thought that? I know God hasn’t given me a baby for a reason. Maybe its to help someone else or to make me really appreciate life and the little things… IDK what that reason is but I had no right to doubt that there was a God. I have in the past day stepped back and took a deep breath. I need to find my purpose in all this and know what it is I am suppse to do with all this hurt.

Again I am sorry about venting, I just have to get it all out.


3 thoughts on “REALLY? Why is it so difficult to understand?

  1. I have not been close to do as much things you did, for me it’s been a year that I’ve been trying but I can really understand how you suffer in silence around you. I sometimes feel happy for people around me and the next day I’m either jealous or angry at them. I sometimes want to stay away not to show anything I feel, it’s just easier and fair to them. I started writing about it and hearing people have gone through similair experiences, in a way, keeps me sane or not completely alone. Thanks for your post.

  2. My mouth literally dropped as I read this! You are the BEST sister in the world, IMO!! I think you are totally within your rights to be upset and vent all you want. Your sister seems to be extremely ungrateful for everything you’ve done and you’re mom doesn’t seem to get what you are going through. I’m so sorry and hope you have a better day tomorrow…

  3. I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Everyone seems to be walking on egg shells around you and that must be because at some point you’ve made your infertility a BIG deal to them. I know it is, but if you took it in stride (at least in public) then people wouldnt be so touchy around you. You say that both your mother AND your husband are on the verge of a breakdown because of this. I think you need to rexamine how you approach this topic to those around you. If you don’t want them to be upset then you need to suck it up and put a brave front on. If you cant, then you must accept that people will not know how to act in regards to the topic and either be nervous/anxious around you when there’s baby talk. Relax about the whole deal and it will help you in the long run and quite possibly help ith your infertility. Don’t pout, whine, vent…just be. Stop crying at TV shows, YOU decide what is going to make you sad. Don’t be sad, be strong. You can do this!

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