My name is Amanda and I am infertile…. WOW! Infertile…such a horrible word for so many of us. My husband and I have tried to conceive for 4 years. After 4 years of trying and 4 years of failure my life is controlled by my inability to have a child. I spend most of my day trying to find hope and trying to find a way to change this. Every morning I wake up wondering what if… what if I ate this or took this pill. What if I do something nice for someone…will God decide to bless me! Today I woke up and as I was getting dressed I noticed that I do not recognize the person in the mirror. What have I become? Where did I go? Does my husband still love me? How could he I don’t even love myself. Then I broke down. I have lost myself in the process of wanting to be a mother. Being a mom was what I have always dreamed of. I have thought about the day that I would hear my baby cry and hold it in my arms. The thought of growing a life inside me, and watching it grow into an amazing adult has been my purpose in life. Now what? What do I want? How do I get thru this? How do I go day to day with these feelings of disappointment and failure consuming me? I want to be the person I use to be, but how? How do I become happy again? This isn’t fair to my husband either. I am not person he fell in love with. That woman was beautiful and confident and funny. Funny? Nothing is funny to me anymore.
I have tried talking about my feelings and no one understands. How could they though? They don’t know what its like to want something that is so natural to have. They complain about staying up all night and about their children driving them crazy… and in the back of my mind…. I dream about that. I know there are a lot of women and even men out there that feel the way I do. You feel as if no one understands you. We all struggle daily with different issues from baby showers to seeing babies. To days of high hopes and those low days when its hard to get out of bed. I need a place where I can come a vent and no one judges me. I am sure we all do. By expressing my feelings and not keeping it all inside I hope to find myself again. I want to be that happy, confident funny women I once was again.
I invite you all to join me in taking control of our lives. We have let this control us for far too long. I will cry with you thru your pain and rejoice if your miracle happens. I do not want anyone to feel alone anymore. I spend so many days being angry and hurt and disappointed. I don’t want you to feel alone in this.