REALLY? Why is it so difficult to understand?

I CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! Dear Lord, please please, please I beg you give me strength. MY FAMILY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!! This may be a venting post so if that bothers you please leave now. Ok so as I have posted before my baby sister is pregnant. She is now 32 weeks and Baby Vance will be here soon. I am so hurt but so excited for her. I have to admit I am very bitter… this is my first time talking about this so please don’t judge me. My husband and I have tried to conceive for over 4 years, no luck, just heartbreak. After almost a year of not being pregnant my sister went to the doctor to find out her husbands sperm count was 6. She tried clomid and femera both with IUIs and no luck. They just gave up. Right after that they found out he had sleep apnea and he was put on a breathing machine, and she was pregnant a month later. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. For 4 years I have avoided all my friends while they were pregnant, their showers, everything. That makes me a bad friend, I guess. I just cant bare it. For my sister I spent months planning for her shower, everything was handmade, it was perfect down to the last detail. The day before I spent over 300.00 on food along and spent the whole day cooking. Then Sunday morning rolled around and she didnt feel well so she didn’t even go. TO HER OWN SHOWER! Honey you would have had to tie me down and sit on me, probably knock me out to keep me from my shower. So I sucked it up and made her husband open the gifts and went on with the day. I have done her entire nursery, all her registeries, bought bottles EVERYTHING! I feel like she thinks she is having a baby doll. I don’t know maybe my bitterness has taken over. I just remember the day I got married she busted her bridesmaid dress on purpose. She said it wasn’t fair that I was getting married first because she had been with her boyfriend longer. Come on really? She was still in school. A part of me thinks that she just had to have the first grandchild and that hurts me. In her mind her life will not change, the baby will sleep when she does. She has bought nothing but clothes for him and Johnson and Johnson baby care stuff… because it smells like a baby LOL!

Now my mother who has MS and is having a mental meltdown is driving me nuts over the whole thing. She is upset bc I didn’t open my sisters gifts at her shower, since she was sick. She says she can’t be happy for my sister bc of me. I have gone beyong for my sister and future nefew. I have not mentioned my feeling or expressed my thoughts at all until the other day. My sister wants me in the delivery room with her. I AGREED despite my feelings. My mom is a very nervouse, stressed out, drama queen and my sisters husband will be passed out. Mom was talking to me about it and I made the comment that once my sister delivered and was ok I may step out while they are bonding. I mean come on, I can’t watch births on TV without breaking down. It is her moment with her baby, I want them to cherish it. BIG MISTAKE!!!! My mom has called me crying and screaming about it for weeks now. I am ruining my sisters time! Really? HOW? I have done her shower, nursery, registeries. I have gone shopping with her, done research on different things for her, IDK what else I can do. I know as my mother her heart breaks for me… I know that. I have never once not been excited for my sister or ask for anyone pitty or sympathy. I am a strong woman. I have made it thru 4 years on being infertile, I guess mom has just now opened her eyes and recognized it and is now smoothering me.Its all I hear everyday. She asks me everyday when I am going to ovulate, if I am trying, when my period is comeing…. its become crazy. Then she adds to it that she has MS and I need to hurry and do what I need to do to have a baby because she may not be around to see it or be able to touch it. REALLY? Like I don’t put enough pressure on myself. How many more doctors do I need to see? How many more tests? Drugs? What more do I have to do?

I have had a horrible time with it all lately. I deal with it by not saying anything and taking A LOT of deep breaths. The truth is I am angry, and hurt, and lost and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. This weekend my husband had a little to much to drink and got angry which was unusual. I tried talking to him and he yelled at me and pushed me away from him. He then started crying because he couldnt give me a baby! It is not him he has NO ISSUES, but deep down I guess he feels it is. My husband is a bad boy tattoed ranger in the Army and does not show emotion ever. He said his wife wanted a child more than anything in this world and it killed him not to be able to give it to me because I never ask for anything else. I take care of everyone and do everything I can to help anyone in need. I can’t help everyone but I can help some and pray that one day they will help someone else. My husband began made the statement that there was no God because if there was he really hated us. I have to be honast ans say that got to me. I became angry and began to wonder. Is there a God? If there is what have I done so bad? I try to raise money for people in need, feel the guy at the grocery store in the wheel chair, buy presents for kids, help any friend or any one that I can do something. I then for the past week have thought about every bad thing I have ever done, any person I may have hurt, lies I told.. even changing report card grades in school. And then thought maybe there isn’t a God! How could I have thought that? I know God hasn’t given me a baby for a reason. Maybe its to help someone else or to make me really appreciate life and the little things… IDK what that reason is but I had no right to doubt that there was a God. I have in the past day stepped back and took a deep breath. I need to find my purpose in all this and know what it is I am suppse to do with all this hurt.

Again I am sorry about venting, I just have to get it all out.

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Bring Home the Browns

Last night while laying in bed I was on facebook. I came across the page called Bring Home the Browns. After reading every post and looking at every picture I could not sleep. This is their story…

Sean and Heather Brown lived a typical East Texas love story. He was a backwoods boy who loved to hunt, and she was a blonde beauty. The two fell in love and got married, and 7 years later found out they would be expanding their little family. But their story took a wrong turn just over a month ago, and they’re using Facebook to share it and inspire people everywhere.

 

On September 15th and 34 weeks pregnant, while John was fighting for our country in Afghanistan, Heather was having some headaches and back pains. So she went to the hospital to be cautious. There she starting having seizures which doctors determined was due to bleeding in her brain. The baby, John Michael, was taken by emergency C-section and sent to a local NICU Unit. All the while Heather had slipped into a coma.

Sean got word of what was going on with his family back home, and immediately started the journey from Afghanistan to East Texas. It took him 72 hours with no contact to get updates on his wife and son. He arrived at Tyler Pounds and had a police escort to the hospital.

On October 5th, at 5 lbs, baby John Michael Thomas Brown was brought home in good condition with his daddy by his side. Doctors are pleased with his development as he and his family are adjusting. Sean tries to divide his time at home with Baby John and time at the hospital with Heather.

It’s been over a month and Heather is still in a coma. Yesterday, Baby John got to visit his mother for the first time. While Heather has had little to no response or reaction, doctors say that John is the best medicine that Heather can have. He is better than any medicine a doctor can prescribe.

The family gives updates on Heather and the baby, along with pictures on their Facebook page. Since the page was put up just over one month ago, it has gained over 365,000 likes and shares across the country. People are being inspired by this families story and strength. For updates on Heather and Baby John, visit the Facebook page.

I laid there in the dark crying my heart out. Any of us that suffer with infertility know its pain. We have such a strong love and desire for a child that does not exsist. I can’t imagine what they are going thru… To dream of a child for so long then going into a coma. She has dreamed of holding this baby for so long. Seeing him smile and crawl and growing into an adult. No one would ever imagined that Heather would be in a coma. The doctors say the John is the best medicine for her and I agree. For someone who wants to be a mother so bad as she did and as most of us do… the smell and sound and feel of that baby will bring this woman back to them. I laid there wondering how I could help, what I could do. I am also a scentsy consultant so I first opened a fundraiser called Bring Home the Browns. ALL COMMISSION EARNED FROM THIS WILL GO TO SEAN BROWN AND FAMILY!!!!!! All I want is to know that a woman who has dreamed and prayed for a child for so long gets to hold her baby in her arms and know that all her prayers were answered.  You can visit my page at www.wicklessfreaks.scentsy.us and place an order, you will loose nothing. I just feel like there is something more I can do. I pray from them…. I just don’t know how to help. This page has over 365,000 likes if everyone would give $1.00… think what that would do for Johns future.  I don’t know. I am putting this out there. Any suggestions on other ways we can help?

 

Helping a family in need

I was recently informed of a family in need. The wonderful lady that cleans our office also cleans for Townsend realtors. They were discussing a family and looking for a way to help. The man is a single dad. I do not know all the person details however his children were in a very bad situation. He had to get out of the army to get full custody of his children to give them a better life. He is now struggling to pay rent and provide them with what they need. He is behind on rent and stands a chance of being evicted before Christmas. Not to mention the children won’t be having receiving any gifts. Many of you may know but I a m a scentsy consultant also. I have opened up a fundraiser on my website for this family. Any commission earned on this order I will give 100% of it to paying rent for this family and providing his children with gifts, food etc. for Christmas. I am not forcing anyone to buy I just want to get the word out. I understand we can’t help everyone but maybe if we can help one person then they will one day return the favor. You are welcome to order from my website, contact me with your order info or just pass it along to people you know.  My website is wicklessfreaks.Scentsy.us.  or you can email me at Amanda.fender1@yahoo.com

 

Thank you for your time

Amanda Fender

                                                                          

Why does mommy cry?

One day, a child born into Heaven looked down upon the Earth. She saw a young woman crying. She reconized this woman as her mother. The young child looked to her Grandfather. She asked, “Grandpa. why does mommy cry?” The Grandfather smiled at the little babe.

He replied, “Well young one,” she cries because you are in Heaven.” The child looked down upon her mother and frowned. “Grandpa, mommy shouldn’t cry. I’m in Heaven. I’m one of God’s angels. That’s a good thing. I don’t understand.”

The Grandfather smiled once again and replied, “She cries because you are her her child and she cannot hold you in her arms. She cries because of the unconditional love a mother has for her babe. She cries because she misses you.” The babe sat and contemplated his words.

After some time she replied, “I don’t want mommy to cry. I love her because she loves me.” the Grandfather replied, “Neither do I, little one.” The babe responded,”How can we comfort her?” The Grandfather replied, “The only thing we can. Reach down our arms to her from Heaven. Let her know Jesus sees her suffering and give her comfort.” 

And with that, they reached down and held the woman in a heavenly embrace. And the young woman stopped crying and received strength to feel like she could face a new day.

sisters baby shower

ImageImageImageImageImageSo I was the lucky one that gets to throw my sisters baby shower. Now don’t get me wrong I am so happy for her and at least I get to be an aunt. However this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have spent weeks in dr. Seussville. I have put all my time in energy into making sure she has an amazing and unforgivable day. Now that the shower is next weekend i am almost out of projects. Then the shower will be over. I think in the past few weeks I may have put all the time and work into it not only for her but for myself. I was able to live part of my dream… Getting ready for a baby. I can’t help but being a little angry and just wondering what I done so wrong. Why would I have to suffer like this. I honestly dread the day of the shower. I will see family members I haven’t seen in years and of course they will want to know when I’m going to have a baby since I am 6 years older. How do I deal with that? I want her day to be amazing without my feelings showing. So anyways on the brighter side check put my Dr. Seuss creations.

Living with infertility

My name is Amanda and I am infertile…. WOW! Infertile…such a horrible word for so many of us. My husband and I have tried to conceive for 4 years. After 4 years of trying and 4 years of failure my life is controlled by my inability to have a child. I spend most of my day trying to find hope and trying to find a way to change this. Every morning I wake up wondering what if… what if I ate this or took this pill. What if I do something nice for someone…will God decide to bless me! Today I woke up and as I was getting dressed I noticed that I do not recognize the person in the mirror. What have I become? Where did I go? Does my husband still love me? How could he I don’t even love myself. Then I broke down. I have lost myself in the process of wanting to be a mother. Being a mom was what I have always dreamed of. I have thought about the day that I would hear my baby cry and hold it in my arms. The thought of growing a life inside me, and watching it grow into an amazing adult has been my purpose in life. Now what? What do I want? How do I get thru this? How do I go day to day with these feelings of disappointment and failure consuming me? I want to be the person I use to be, but how? How do I become happy again? This isn’t fair to my husband either. I am not person he fell in love with. That woman was beautiful and confident and funny. Funny? Nothing is funny to me anymore.

I have tried talking about my feelings and no one understands. How could they though? They don’t know what its like to want something that is so natural to have. They complain about staying up all night and about their children driving them crazy… and in the back of my mind…. I dream about that. I know there are a lot of women and even men out there that feel the way I do. You feel as if no one understands you. We all struggle daily with different issues from baby showers to seeing babies. To days of high hopes and those low days when its hard to get out of bed. I need a place where I can come a vent and no one judges me. I am sure we all do. By expressing my feelings and not keeping it all inside I hope to find myself again. I want to be that happy, confident funny women I once was again.

I invite you all to join me in taking control of our lives. We have let this control us for far too long. I will cry with you thru your pain and rejoice if your miracle happens. I do not want anyone to feel alone anymore. I spend so many days being angry and hurt and disappointed. I don’t want you to feel alone in this.

Living with infertility

My name is Amanda and I am infertile…. WOW! Infertile…such a horrible word for so many of us. My husband and I have tried to conceive for 4 years. After 4 years of trying and 4 years of failure my life is controlled by my inability to have a child. I spend most of my day trying to find hope and trying to find a way to change this. Every morning I wake up wondering what if… what if I ate this or took this pill. What if I do something nice for someone…will God decide to bless me! Today I woke up and as I was getting dressed I noticed that I do not recognize the person in the mirror. What have I become? Where did I go? Does my husband still love me? How could he I don’t even love myself. Then I broke down. I have lost myself in the process of wanting to be a mother. Being a mom was what I have always dreamed of. I have thought about the day that I would hear my baby cry and hold it in my arms. The thought of growing a life inside me, and watching it grow into an amazing adult has been my purpose in life. Now what? What do I want? How do I get thru this? How do I go day to day with these feelings of disappointment and failure consuming me? I want to be the person I use to be, but how? How do I become happy again? This isn’t fair to my husband either. I am not person he fell in love with. That woman was beautiful and confident and funny. Funny? Nothing is funny to me anymore.

I have tried talking about my feelings and no one understands. How could they though? They don’t know what its like to want something that is so natural to have. They complain about staying up all night and about their children driving them crazy… and in the back of my mind…. I dream about that. I know there are a lot of women and even men out there that feel the way I do. You feel as if no one understands you. We all struggle daily with different issues from baby showers to seeing babies. To days of high hopes and those low days when its hard to get out of bed. I need a place where I can come a vent and no one judges me. I am sure we all do. By expressing my feelings and not keeping it all inside I hope to find myself again. I want to be that happy, confident funny women I once was again.

I invite you all to join me in taking control of our lives. We have let this control us for far too long. I will cry with you thru your pain and rejoice if your miracle happens. I do not want anyone to feel alone anymore. I spend so many days being angry and hurt and disappointed. I don’t want you to feel alone in this.